Why do I doubt...

my abilities with my job or anything else in life. On Friday, I talked to my supervisor who I hadn't seen much during the week. I needed to talk with her so that when I saw her for a quick minute, I said to her "You need to stay in this office for at least an hour!" I have an absolutely wonderful supervisor that I can, what I call, "talk smack" to. With few details, she is giving me the experiences that I need to get ahead in my HR/recruitment/PR career. Anyway, she sat aside a few minutes for me on Friday so that I could to talk to her about work and personal things about work. After we talked about everything, I was leaving her office and she says "oh, I need to talk to you about something." It was said with a long sigh and I assumed the worst. This has usually been something like "others in this office don't believe that we are going to do well with..." and we, as a team, have proved them wrong with our recruitment efforts every time. Anyway, she paused for the longest time and told me that she wanted me to take over and head a major recruitment event at a college in town for the 2008-2009 school year! This would include me supervising the part-time position over at the college who helps with recruitment for our organization, but she would still officially be the supervisor to that position. I was absolutely shocked because we both hold high standards for our organizations recruitment efforts, and this isn't an easy project by any means. She said that she has spoken with the CEO of our organization and my former supervisor, who both thought that it was a great idea. The CEO asked my supervisor if I could handle it, and her response was "We wouldn't talk about this at all if I didn't." I had to pick my jaw up off of the floor. I have so little confidence in what I do, but I always do a great job and my supervisor often seems to know my abilities more than I do. I also receive the best compliments from my peers, but it's still hard for me to believe in myself. Anyhow, my supervisor told me that she knows my abilities, and knows that I can handle it. She told me to think about it as long as I needed because it will be a major change in my job and my responsibilities.

Because of Friday, I've thought more about the lack of self confidence that I continue to have in myself, the fact that every time someone says something positive about me I shoot it down with a negative comment about myself, and the need to feel like I have to make sure people like me. I've been struggling with my confidence for a while. I don't feel pretty, I'm not a size 0, I'm not in the position or making the money that I should be for being close to 29 years old, and so on. But, this year, I've really tried concentrating on what God has done for me in my life. I've never been told I'm ugly and think I look nice often. My supervisor even told me that she wished she could dress like me. I will never be a size 0 and I personally don't want to be. And no, I'm not making the money that I want to be. But,the position that I'm in, in particular, has been the biggest blessing for me. It allows me to take advantage of learning so many different areas of recruitment and allows me to make mistakes to learn and grow in my abilities. There are so many petty things that I used to think about, like people who sometimes make me dread going to work to see their face, the low pay that I receive or the lack of promotion in the company. However, I've always wanted to work with children, but in a non-teaching environment. After I worked for county government in the HR department, I knew that I wanted to work with recruitment. I wanted a laid back environment and a great supervisor who I could talk to and learn from. Last month, I realized that God has blessed me with that. When you complain and dwell in self pity, you can't see the BS you complain about. It is so much more enjoyable going to work worrying only about my job and how to make the best of it. Like my husband told me, "Only if the lack of someone's work or their behavior affects your job, that's when you need to worry about it. Otherwise, you can't worry about anyone else but you." Amazingly, this has helped with my confidence and my abilities with my job and personal life. I no longer worry about making sure I'm liked by work or personal acquaintances and I don't worry about what anyone, other than my supervisor, thinks about my work. Obviously, I'm doing well, and my confidence should reflect it. I'm not sure if I or anyone ever reaches the confidence level they should have for themselves, but I'm enjoying trying to get to that level. The road to self confidence...